Is This Thing On?

Haven't been around in awhile. Haven't really been able to find the funny in things for a bit. Been in sorta a bad mood. Not exactly sure why. Just lots of things floating around in my head. Sorta stifled any good thought process I could really put into this.

I can't really put my finger on what exactly has been bothering me. But its something just eating at my mind. Oh well.

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas. I did? Perhaps? Dunno yet. Time shall tell.

There are no more barriers to cross. All I have in common with the uncontrollable and the insane, the vicious and the evil, all the mayhem I have caused and my utter indifference toward it I have now surpassed. My pain is constant and sharp and I do not hope for a better world for anyone, in fact I want my pain to be inflicted on others. I want no one to escape, but even after admitting this there is no catharsis, my punishment continues to elude me and I gain no deeper knowledge of myself; no new knowledge can be extracted from my telling. This confession has meant nothing.

J Swavely

Some Musings Whilst Waiting for Snow

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Women love mysteries. Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!"

Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. “Oh look, oh look there’s still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you’ve got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children.”

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

If I had a kid, I’d give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I’d call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.

The Weather Channel is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.

Avatar Movie Review

WELL. Where do I even begin? Avatar was such a stunning achievement in the world of cinematic adventures I do not even know what to talk about first. I have been following this movie for quite some time, and was sure that I would only be disappointed. But I can say confidently this movie so far exceeded any expectation that I could have had it's almost comical.

I guess the most obvious place to start is how absolutely jaw-dropping the world that James Cameron has created looks. Using his new 3D camera fusion system which was designed entirely by him to mimic the human eye really does do magic. As ALL of the movie takes place in an entirely CGI environment and over half of the characters are created entirely through CGI it is very easy to forget that the movie takes place in an entirely fictional world. I do have to say, if anyone plans on seeing this movie NOT in 3D, you may wanna re consider. More on this later.

James Cameron has always been known for pushing the boundaries of what is possible as far as technological advancements in movie making go. From Terminator, to The Abyss, to Titanic, all of these were technological breakthroughs in the art of movie making. Avatar pushes this to an entirely new level. James Cameron has not released a movie in over a DECADE. Titanic was his last release, admittedly a good point for almost anyone to call it a career. But James Cameron was far from done. He has been writing the story to Avatar since he was only 8 years old. I sure as fuck was not writing a movie when I was 8. Cameron was basically ready with a script to make the movie back in 1994 but the technology necessary to make his vision a reality DIDN'T EVEN EXIST. So James CAmeron being the hero that he is decided "Hey ya know what, I'll just invent the technology!"

This brings us to the 3D Camera Fusion technology. Something Cameron designed specifically to make this movie. It's two cameras set up to capture motion in a way that replicates human sight and depth perception. This he also coupled with a virtual camera. Most movie camera shots are selected in the editing room far after a movie is done being shot. Cameron thought this made a movie lose its sense of urgency. So he set up a computer and camera system that would allow him to view a low resolution view of his world, Pandora, as he was shooting the actors on his brand new motion capture stage called "The Volume." Cameron also mounted small cameras on all his actors faces to capture every single minutia of their facial expressions so these could be accurately rendered onto the faces of the alien race or Na'vi they were portraying. All of this technology works together seamlessly to create a world that looks so totally stunning within minutes of the films beginning, one forgets that it is all a fictional creation in the Mind of James Cameron.

I gave this review a day to stew in my head and puzzle over any major plot holes. One may notice in 99% of all effects driven movies, the first time one watches they can find numerous holes in the plot of the film. In puzzling over this one for a day or so I can say I could not recognize one. The whole movie never loses its sense of urgency. It is quite a tale by any measure. If you don't wish to know some key plot points I suggest you skip the next section or two.

The movie starts out with an ex-Marine named Jake Sully, played by Sam Worthington, being selected to go to Pandora in his now deceased brothers place to operate an Avatar. A genetically engineered human-Na'vi hybrid that he will control with his mind in order to assimilate into the culture of the natives. After doing this he will try and get them to leave their home so a corporation can come in and mine for a substance called Unobtanium which is very valuable the their home is sitting right on top of the largest known deposit of it. His first night there he is found by a local tribe member named Neytiri, played by Zoe Saldana who is a fox even as a nine foot tall blue chick. She takes him back to her tribe and they decide not to kill him but allow him to learn their culture. Neytiri who happens to be the queen's daughter is reluctantly selected to do this. As she does this, a bond between her and Sully begins to form. Sully feels almost more comfortable in their world than in his own. He and Neytiri begin to fall in love with one another and decide to mate for life as the rest of the Na'vi do.

This all goes to shit when the armed forces there are tired of waiting for him to get them to move that they just begin to move in without care of who dies on the natives side. When Jake finally reveals what is happening and that he has known about it all along, he is banished from the tribe and Neytiri leaves him. The forces begin their attack and destroy the home of the Na'vi tribe resulting in huge losses to them. Sully decides that he must do something to regain their trust. He takes control of a huge winged animal only 5 other Na'vi have ever done. He leads them in a fight against the humans and after a hard fought battle in which both sides take huge losses, the Na'vi are victorious and Sully and Neytiri are re-united. The humans leave the planet, and Sully is invited to leave his human body for his Avatar forever and become a part of the tribe.

Now if you skipped over those so as to not reveal the plot to yourself begin again here. The movie is as stunning in its tale as it is visually. It is a great story that many people can and will enjoy. It is one of the most hyped movies of recent years, and has definitely come the closest to being deserving of all that hype. James Cameron has invented an entirely new world, not to mention an entirely new language. By using all of the the new technology he has invented for this film, James Cameron has managed to completely obliterate the lines between both reality and CGI and immerse us in something more. A truly great tale made even better by the technology used to make his vision a reality.

A Peak Into My Mind

What did men do before viagra? My guess is used a bunch of popsicle sticks and duct tape.

I have realized that I cannot come up with the amount of material that is necessary to keep this site fresh all the time. So I have had to outsource my joke writing to a small Indonesian boy named Salib. The other day I received one of his blood spattered notebooks. Now his humor is mostly observational humor. I will now show all of you his most recent entry; "What's up with the guy hitting me with a big stick? What's going on there?" SO true.

Oh I'm sorry. Did I cross the line? It's ok we can go to silly town.
Ever wrestle your dog till you cum?

Favorites of the Decade

There have been lots of lists posted here and there about people's favorite this and and that of the decade. I can't say that I agree with most of them. Just because something is popular does not make it the best. I may be an elitist, but I am very proud of that.

Well I guess we should start with Album of the Decade. In many lists I have seen Radiohead's Kid A taking the top spot. It is a good album. Best of the decade? I think not. Unfortunately the album that I think should occupy the top spot on this list was made one year too early. That is Nine Inch Nail's The Fragile. From start to finish that album is pure genius, but cannot be legititmately included in this list. Regardless here is my TOP 5 of the Decade in no particular order.

Albums of the Decade

1. The White Stripes - Elephant

2. Beck - Sea Change

3. System of a Down - Toxicity

4. Tool - Lateralus

5. Porcupine Tree - In Absentia

6. Dream Theater - Octavarium

7. Incubus - A Crow Left of the Murder

Some may say this is biased, towards any one particular genre or some of my favorite bands. I agree. But there are some bands who I love that have not released a totally fantastic album this past decade. I love Pearl Jam, they have not released anything spectacular this decade. Some may also argue that there is no particularly popular music on this list. Part of what went into my list is what I consider to be artistic merit. Any hip-hop made past about 1995 with a few exceptions in my opinion does not have any of this. Feel free to argue this point. I also don't feel any music that was made by a group that considers themself to be a "band" with outside songwriting help has destroyed their integrity as artists. Others may not feel this way, and are more than entitled to their own opinion.

Now where was ? Ah yes, Songs of the Decade. There are some out there, namely Rolling Stone, that thinks a song about going crazy sung with falsetto or "having 99 problems but a bitch ain't one" merits a good song. I wholeheartedly disagree. Many things go into what makes a great song, and I am far too lazy to go into what I think about that right now. Anyway, here is my list of the songs from the past decade I consider true works of art.

1. The White Stripes - Seven Nation Army

2. Incubus - Megalomaniac

3. Tool - Schism

4. Rush - Far Cry

5. Porcupine Tree - Trains

6. System of a Down - B.Y.O.B.

7. The Flaming Lips - Do You Realize?

8. Slipknot - Before I Forget

9. Lamb of God - Laid to Rest

Well that's that. Songs that I feel are both good musically, mean something lyrically, and can be listened to over and over again. Because I feel thats what a good song is. And to me, those are good songs. Now I will move onto some movies. Admittedly I am probably easier to impress than some big time movie buffs. But I still stand by most of these picks as good quality movies. If you disagree. Fuck you.

Movies of the Decade

1. Fight Club - David Fincher (Not made this decade. Close enough. It's my favorite movie ever so fuck off.)

2. No Country for Old Men - Coen Brothers

3. Capote - Bennett Miller

4. The Departed - Martin Scorcese

5. Inglorious Basterds - Quentin Tarentino

6. American Psyhco - Mary Harron

Well there it is. My opinion on some of the best musical and cinematic releases of the past decade. If you disagree, please tell me. I would just LOVE to hear your opinion!! <---- (I'm lying) But regardless I am curious to see what other people think since I just can't stand what the "experts" say.

J Swavely

A Few Unrelated Thoughts

It seems to me the only time irrational people seem to care about the overwhelming consensus of good science, is when it involves either their money or their religion. They just get really touchy about that kinda shit.

I'm also curious as to why we take no issue with all of our politicians babbling on about global warming. There is plenty of scientific proof to the contrary of this. They can't admit to this though, as it would cut their funding. Why can't we just let scientists handle science and let politicians worry about not shitting on the Constitution and taking all our freedoms?

I'm also curious as to what the fuck is up with everyone caring so much about Tiger Woods. I never understood why people liked him JUST because he is a winner. He was always an arrogant whiny little bitch who swore and threw clubs when he wasn't winning and claimed in front of America on Oprah's couch that he was not in fact Black. Sure Tiger. Sure. Now it comes out that he has affairs with a cartoonish amount of women. I for one am not all that surprised by this. He is a pompous billionaire athlete who cares only about himself. Do I think that its right that the media is making such a big deal out of the fact that he has problems with fidelity? Absolutely not, his business should be his business. I do however have a problem with us as a people putting such a questionable character on such a high pedestal. If you are looking for a true champion in every sense of the word, Roger Federer.

College

You know a lot of people say that college is a time when young men and women expand the way that they look at their world when they open their mind to new ideas and experiences and when they begin that long journey form the innocence of Youth, to the responsibilities of Adulthood... now isn't that a load of horse shit!

No one could have said it better than Lewis Black. With most of our first semesters at college now over or almost over, I think this is a good time to reflect on the events that have transpired. Most of us shipped off somewhere to begin our grand adventure. Some were absolutely thrilled to be leaving. Some not so much. But I don't think anyone really knew what to expect.

As for me. While I was bummed most of my friends would be leaving, I tried to look on the bright side as much as I could. I'd be at home, in my awesome man cave, still would have my drumset around, and mom's cookin is surely better then any school food (though I must say, the food at Northampton is spectacular). All my professors were ok, except my fucking marketing one. What a cunt. But other than her I never minded going to class.

As the semester progressed I made some new friends but really missed that ones that I had. It made dragging my ass out of bed and going to class every day a real bummer. I pressed on though, managing an A in all but one class. That fucking marketing teacher hated me I'm sure of it. But still I missed everyone who was around a lot and tried to talk them into oblivion. I'm amazed they all still talk to me.

Over Halloween I went to Penn State to visit Abigail and Brian. Which turned out to be the highlight of my semester and didn't even take place around here. I had a great time, and won't lie. I thought about killing Brian's roommate and never leaving. But alas I had to much to my discontent.

I got home and it seems like I left there just a week ago and already the semester is over. Boy it could not come soon enough. I need a vacation. Hopefully this time next year I'll be in York with two of my best friends. Until then I'll grind it out here and miss everyone terribly.

J Swavely

I LIKE THESE JOKES!!!

What did the penis say to the condom?

Cover me, I'm goin in!

I have a rooster, you have a donkey. What do you get if your donkey ate my rooster?

Two feet of my cock in your ass.

Why don't blind men skydive?

It scares the shit out of the dog.

Why was the energizer bunny arrested?

He was charged with battery.

What's the difference between a priest and acne?

Acne waits till puberty to come on your face.

Atheists don't solve exponential equations because they don't believe in higher powers.

Why is it so hard for women to find men who are sensitive caring and good looking?

All those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between someone's girlfriend and their wife?

45 pounds.

Why do men die before women?

They want to.

What does a woman do with her asshole in the morning?

Makes him a sandwich and sends him to work.

"The Incident" Album Review

The Incident by Porcupine Tree is my album of the year. So I'm gonna write about it.

It begins with one of the most brutal chords you will ever hear, and concludes with I Drive The Hearse, probably the most beautiful song Stephen Wilson has ever written. What happens between this start and finish is utterly sublime. The Incident is a 55 minute song cycle (it also comes with a second disc with 4 more songs to stress their independence from the story in the title track) that touches upon near every element of Porcupine Tree's musical stylings. It is very much a prog rock record, it touches on the beauty of solo piano, and power of melody, but also channels the incredible might dwelling at the very heart of metal's core. Whether it be the robust riff in The Blind House or the graceful elegance of the 11 minute centerpiece Time Flies, or the angular feel of Octane Twisted, this album reeks of genius.

Now its true Porcupine Tree is my favorite band. But this album truly is great. It showcases everything that can be great about music. Touches on almost every aspect rock can touch on, ALL IN ONE SONG!

So go pick up a copy today. You won't be disappointed.

What are you doing here?

Hello world!!

I have decided to start a blog. Here I will be posting my somewhat daily thoughts on the previous day, jokes, cd or movie reviews, whatever I feel like.

If anyone has any topic suggestions. Just post here and let me know.

J Swavely