Some Musings Whilst Waiting for Snow

You see a guy with one leg, he's got a story. "Land mine '69." You see a guy with one arm, he's got a story, too. "Snow blower, bottle of whiskey." You see a guy with one tooth, what would the story be? "Well, uh, I like a lot of taffy."

Women love mysteries. Next time your lady leaves the room, take a dump on the floor! 'Cuz there is nothing more mysterious than a dump on the floor! And it always starts a conversation, am I right? Honey, what happened? You better hold me 'cause I'm afraid.

They have a luggage store at the airport? I mean, how late do you have to be running? Don't worry honey just grab a pile of shit... we'll get a bag at the airport!"

Never let a woman put a condom on ya. Do it yourself fellas. It's embarrassing. “Oh look, oh look there’s still more room! Ha Ha Ha! We could tie it off and use it again and again. Cause you’ve got a small penis; and I know, cause I work with children.”

So, I travel a lot. I hate traveling, mostly cause my dad used to beat me with a globe.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

If I had a kid, I’d give him a name that would make everyone would want to say his name. I’d call him, Pizza-Pussy-Santa. I would! Cause everybody likes one of those things.

I think pot should be legal, I do. I also think if your cousin is super-hot, you should be able to fuck one time.

The Weather Channel is the most watched cable channel in America. I'll repeat that. It is the most watched cable channel in America. They were worried about the terrorists immobilizing us, and a portion of our countrymen watch weather. 'Kay, you don't get any more immobile than that... unless you're in a goddamn coma. That means you're saying, "I'd go to the window, but it's too far." If you want to know what the weather is you go to a window and stick your hand out and if you want to know what the temperature is you drive by a bank.

When I was nine, my life was devoted to seeing a tit. I was Captain Ahab, and it was my big white whale. I'd go down to Sears on a Sunday in hopes they'd remove a clothing from a mannequin. Sad but true, sad but fuckin' true.