In the Spirit if Valentines Day

Q. What's the speed limit of sex?

A. 68. At 69 You have to turn around.

Q. Why do men like love at first sight?

A. Saves them a lot of time.

Q. Who is the most popular man in the nudist colony?

A. The one who can carry two coffees and nine donuts at once.

Q. Who is the most popular woman in said nudist colony?

A. The one who can eat the last donut.

Q. Why did Raggedy Ann get thrown out of the toy box?

A. She kept sitting on Pinocchio's face and screaming LIE TO ME!

Q. How do you make your girlfriend scream during sex.

A. Call her and tell her about it.

Q. What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A. Why are u shaking? She's gonna eat me.

During her annual checkup, a well constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table. "Doctor, I just can't undress in front of you." "OK, I'll turn off the lights and when you're undressed you just tell me." After a few moments the young lady said "Doctor I've undressed, what should I do with all my clothes?" He replies "Put them on the chair here on top of mine."

A man was walking down a beach when he found a lamp. The genie comes out and says "Yeah you found a lamp blah blah blah. But I must admit, I am a bit tired so you only get one wish." The man thought long and hard about his decision and finally said "Well I've always wanted to go to Hawaii but I am too afraid of flying, and I get sea sick very easily. Do you think maybe you could build a road there so I could drive?" The genie replied "Do you know how long that would take? How would I get beams to the bottom of the ocean? Imagine the amount of concrete! Impossible. Try again." The man was again deep in thought when finally he said. Well then I guess I would like to know what women are thinking. How they feel inside when I get the silent treatment, know why they're crying, know what they actually want when they say 'nothing' just know how to make them truly happy. The genie thought for a second and scratched his chin. He said "Would you like that highway two lanes or four?"

Three nuns were talking. The first nun says "I was cleaning father's room and a found a bunch of porn magazines." Well what did you do the others asked. " I threw them in the trash of course. The second nun says "Well the other day when I was in there I found a bunch of condoms." They again asked what she did. "I punched a holes in them." The third nun fainted.

A Question of Ethics

The Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition comes out tomorrow. Now this always raises a few moral and ethical questions that everyone kinda feels but never talks about. Well I do talk about these things and I think about them a great deal. That is some of the questions of ethics that come up in our daily lives that people just accept because "That's just the way things are." Well if we go through life just accepting that as our reality, we can never truly experience things, just scratch the surface.

Now back to what I was saying about the SI SE (Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition). Some people feel that this magazine is wildly inappropriate. I would like to disagree. I truly do believe that as far as the content of at least this particular magazine, there is nothing questionable about it. It is merely a magazine if women wearing in most cases, bikinis. Sometimes being completely naked and painted, but the way in which it is done I do not feel is questionable. Some people argue about the fact that those women are someone's daughter and they are objectifying themselves as sex objects. I disagree in this particular instance. Everything is done in good taste.

One thing I am curious about though. What is the moral difference between placing a Cosmopolitan magazine in the front of stores, as opposed to a Playboy? Is there one? If so what is it? These are questions that someone decided an answer to long ago and ever since then we as people have just accepted that conclusion. I would argue that there is no moral difference. Now this opinion comes from having never read either one. But I feel as though I know enough about their content to still make a judgement on this.

We'll start with Playboy. What's the big deal? Oh no, breasts are so taboo these days. Yeah well, remember a few years ago when cousin fucking was so taboo? It's time for us as a people to grow up and live in the times in which we do. There is rarely if ever nudity on the cover of the magazine anyway, which is what everyone sees. Also contained within those pages are some of the finest interviews and intellectual prose as one could find in any publication that they look in. I understand that possibly the only thing the world today is scared of more than a vagina, or some boobs, is having a little knowledge. THE HORROR!!!

Onto Cosmopolitan. Now I must admit, there have been times while standing in line at a store I have flipped through the pages of this magazine, just to see what all the fuss is about. And frankly, I just don't get it. Whoever reads this must have a pretty hollow existence, but that is an argument for another day. Speaking strictly content wise, what makes awesomely bad sex tips printed in huge words on the front cover more socially acceptable? Is it just something I don't quite get? What does that contribute to society on a higher level? If anyone has an answer for this, please, I beg you, enlighten me.

For whatever reason, we as a people seem willing to just sit back and accept these things rather than think for a minute and really question them. Why? I'm not exactly sure. I wish I knew. People no longer question just this, but a whole number of things. People seem too ready to just accept how badly they may be getting fucked by a system. Time to wake up and start thinking about things and wondering why things are the way that they are.

J Swavely

Just some Stuff. Whatever.

Lots of things will happen in this world that cannot be predicted. But there are some things that definintely will never happen, and some that definitely will.

Stop Terrorism – The simple fact is that terrorism is part of life. As long as there are freaky people who want to tell other people how to live their lives, or people who want to take something from someone else, there will be terrorism – in one form or another. And I don’t see a shortage of freaks any time soon. Dealing with terrorists is like taking out the trash. It don’t matter how much trash you took out yesterday, tomorrow there will be more trash to take out.

Contact Intelligent Life outside our solar System – Never mind the fact that the jury is still out on whether or not there is intelligent life on earth, I really have a hard time believing that we will find it elsewhere, let alone contact them. I do believe that intelligent life it is out there. The odds are really good for that. I just think that we won’t ever find it. The universe is so ridiculously large – and we are so minutely small that I think the odds are simply too great to overcome. We must also consider that ‘timing’ is critical. The earth is 5 billion years old and our ability (technologically) to even detect E.T. is only 60 years old. An alien life form could have called us just 62 years ago and we would not have even heard the phone ring. For all we know, that light the 3 wise men followed, could have been E.T. saying hello. Too bad we didn’t have an answering machine to pick up and say, “I’m sorry, we can’t come to the phone right now, our savior is being born and we too ignorant to know that you have called. Please call back in about 2000 years.”

Survive our own technology – My final prediction is that we probably won’t survive our own technology. I know, what a downer. But the simple fact is that we have invented far more ways to destroy ourselves then we have invented to save ourselves. Whether by a man made plague; nuclear war; trying to manipulate our environment; genetic un-gineering; becoming dependant on our technology, or having our own robots take over the earth – I believe that mankind’s technology has far outpaced his wisdom. As a species, mankind harbors too much evil. In fact, we are the only species that that acts with evil & malice. We are the only species that kills for pleasure. While other animals may defend territory or resources, only mankind ‘conspires’ to assure that others are forbidden to acquire their own resources. Do think that Dinosours would have lived for 100 million years if they had our attitude? Neither do I.

Here are some things that definitely will happen during your first year of college:

You will wake up on a communal bathroom floor.

You will walk in on your new roommate masturbating.

You will drop all of your 9 A.M. classes.

You will figure out which liquor store won't card you.

You will have absolutely nothing in common with anyone you meet.

You will spend over $230 at the bookstore on shit you absolutely will not need ever.

You will throw up everything you just bought at Target.

You will destroy everything someone owns by hurling it off a roof.

There are seven types of people that are cockblockers:

The gay friend.

The plutonic male friend.

The man hating friend.

The girls night out group.

Your Drunk friend.

Your Drunk self.

A baby.

I'm somewhat out of things to say. So I'll probably just stop now before I risk getting too ranty. . .

J Swavely

How Your First Relationship Ruined You

Admittedly I've never been in one. I don't care. This is an intriguing article out there for all of you who may have had the "joy." If you feel you are still in your first relationship, here's what awaits you. I don't care what any of you think, I did not write this study. No one fucking reads this stupid thing anyway.

Here is a brief summary:

Your early years, are a mix of formative experiences slowly simmering the stew that is you into the delicious concoction that goes so well with the beer you are today. But few experiences can have the emotional and mental impact on a person that the first loving relationship has. When I say loving, I mean the first person you truly fell in love with, not that bitch you dated for a month and didn't really like at all the whole time. It doesn't matter who you are, or even less they are, this first relationship has formed a basis for the interaction you have with every other member of the opposite sex except for maybe, your parents.

Depending on how things went, they could have fostered in you a healthy respect for the other sex, and a propensity towards fulfilling genuine loving relationships for the rest of your life. Or if they were a total and utter soul-less beast from the nether world you probably have some issues with the other sex and at most, openly despise dating.

Laura Carpenter, a sociologist at Vanderbilt, says of first relationships, "It's the only time you're ever in love with someone where you have never had you're heart broken. You can have better relationships after that, but there is never again one where you have never been hurt."

These powerful first relationships, inform you how to act towards your future significant others. But this phenomenon is so powerful and common that it even has its own name. It's called transference, and odds are, you've experienced it. When you see a trait, action, situation, or cue that reminds you of an ex, chances are good that it's that first one. You then project those experiences onto whomever you are with currently.

Whenever your significant other starts a sentence with, "Well when i was dating......" your comparing them to on some level another one of your romances. And odds are its the most powerful and impressing one, your first.

I don't mean to make it sound all bad, because it doesn't have to be. If your first relationship was a good one, the feelings you project on future romances will also be good.

The more interesting question lies in this. How do I get over this first love of mine, especially if things ended amicably. Here are some tips from Psychology Today:

Make a Choice:

This sounds far easier than it is for a lot of people. Many would argue that one cannot make a choice to get over it. That may be true for many people, so an exercise is to literally get right down to pros and cons of being with that person. It seems ridiculous, and it is. But by doing so you'll realize how ridiculous it are that you may still be hung up on this person. Relationships never end for no reason.

Contain your Rumination:

Set aside a period each day, say 5-10 minutes, in which your only concern is the ruminate over and think about how much you may miss them. It won't take long to get over this ten minutes of mopiness and it won't take long for your brain to always feel this way. It also won't take long before any heartache or lingering feelings are expunged.

Live in the Present:

Get your head out of the past by putting it someplace in the present. Good ways to do this are to join a gym, take an awesome class, or just date your face off. It's almost definitely a bumper sticker somewhere, but its true. The best way to get over somebody, is to get under somebody else.

You may be asking yourself, why did I post this? I've never even dated anyone. What room do I have to talk about relationships. None. I also couldn't give less of a fuck about that. I see something interesting and damn well am I gonna talk about it. So if you have a problem with this, I don't care. I neither wrote it nor stand behind it. I just found it to be of intrigue as to what effect one person can have on the rest of your life.

J Swavely

Life Lessons

If there is anything that I have learned thus far in life. It's that no man can be an island. Fortunately or unfortunately for me I have always tried to be one. Life is a lot easier with at least a few good friends, or in this case one best friend. Yes, I do have one of those. Her name is Abbie Bellafatto. Through thick and thin she has always been there for me. Why she is even my friend, let alone my best friend, remains a mystery to me each and every single day. Though nothing on earth makes me any happier then that. I do not get to see her near as often as I would like to, but that is just an unfortunate reality one must accept sometimes. If anyone deserves a thank you for being my friend its her, someone who I sincerely hope, I'll never lose.

Another reality one must face, is that there are times in life when you may just be in a bad mood. You're not really sure why, but for whatever reason, you'd love to know so you can get past it. Right now is one of those times for me. Somethin just isn't right, and i have no idea what it could be.

While for the most part this short blurb has been about absolutely nothing in particular, I guess I'll leave on that note. Good thing no one actually reads this.

J Swavely

Story Time!!

One day you find yourself getting involved with a woman. Things are going great. No matter what she says that she doesn't love her ex Brian anymore. You continue to probe her about this on a relatively frequent basis. Her argument is not helped by the fact that she has a picture of her dancing with him at the Newburg Butter Festival from 2 years ago on her nightstand. Not one of the thousands she has taken of the two of you. One day you decide as a favor you will just put the old picture of her and Brian in her drawer that way neither of you will have to look at it anymore. This of course leads to a huge fight. At some point in the fight you say "But baby I was just doing this as a favor, I love you." Admittedly this was not the best point in your relationship to say this for the first time, true though it may be. She winds up dumping your sorry ass and for 6 months you cry at the very thought of her name. A few weeks after you break up you run into her at the mall with Brian. Realizing you have now pushed them back together and ruined your life you kill yourself like a man and headbutt a sidewalk until you die.

Some Jokes by Comics you Should Know

I bought a seven-dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.

- Mitch Hedburg

hope the next time I move I get a real easy phone number, something that's real easy to remember. Something like two two two two two two two two. I would say "Sweet." And then people would say, "Mitch, how do I get a hold of you?" I'd say, "Just press two for a while. And when I answer, you will know you have pressed two enough."

-Mitch Hedburg

I think Pringles original intention was to make tennis balls... but on the day the rubber was supposed to show up a truckload of potatoes came. Pringles is a laid-back company, so they just said, "Fuck it, cut em up!"

-Mitch Hedburg

So I say live and let live. That's my motto. Live and let live. Anyone who can't go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It's a simple philosophy, but it's always worked in our family.

-George Carlin

You know the best thing about necrophilia? You don't have to bring flowers. Yeah... Usually, they're already there.

-George Carlin

Some of my god awful puns. Yeah! Puns. Deal with it.

The man at the watch factory was a funny fellow. He stood there all day making faces.

Communism took off in the animal kingdom when a wary wasp joined a cagey bee.

Plane crashes into lumber yard. End result; remarkably smooth.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.